HAPPYFISHZ

HAPPYFISHZ; 快乐鱼



JingJie 19 // Athletics Faith. Focus. Finish	Awesomest	November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 June 2013 August 2013 September 2013 February 2014 May 2014 August 2014 February 2015 March 2015 June 2015 August 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 July 2016 September 2016 July 2018

Monday, 12 September 2016 ❛ I'll be back. ❜ After 2 blog posts about my internship, this will be the final one and probably the most emotional one I have to write. I've spent the past week thinking and thinking. It has been tough getting these thoughts out and actually typing it down. It's tough not because I don't wish to share but because there feels like there's so much emotion and its hard to share it in a way where people will truly understand. Whatever it is, I'm gonna try my best. I'm not even going to talk about my experience here because its so so amazing. I'm probably just gonna answer a question that many people have asked me and also one question I kept asking myself. 1. Out of all places you can go, why did you choose to come back to Bedok View? I think this question has been asked the most by students because most of my friends already know how much this place mean to me. Ever since I graduated, I've always felt bad in some way. I know I was a pretty messed up student who didn't contribute much to anyone or anything. I was also a very bad classmate to all my friends. Ok, maybe I contributed to the track team to a certain extent but I always feel that I can do a lot more. Not just in terms of results but more in way of making a difference in someone's life. At the same time, I also kind of wanted to prove to certain people that I'm not the same as before. I know there are still lots of teachers who has a bad impression of me and I also really wanted to take the opportunity to show them that the boy they used to see is gone. I'm a brand new man. In terms of coaching, I'm confident most of the time but I've never really felt comfortable talking/ coaching. I needed more time to do so and I felt that coming back to my alma mater would be the best. I know the teachers, I know how the school works and I don't think there's anywhere else that would make me feel at home other than there. Throughout the 20 weeks here, the first few weeks were tough. I had not yet adapt to being a teacher and secondly, I always felt so uncomfortable whenever I saw the teachers who said mean things to me/ those who looked down on me. Yes I still remember what was said. Its like everyone single time I see them, I'm reminded of the past. At the same time, I also saw the teachers who believed in me and gave me opportunities when no one else would. That made me feel so better. As the weeks went by, proving or showing how much I've changed wasn't on my mind anymore. Not a single bit. Even when I walk past certain teachers, those thoughts didn't really occur again. I guess that's because I spent the rest of my time doing what I'm suppose to do, spending time with the amazing people there and basically enjoying every single moment. Focus on what's really important and everything else will turn out fine. 2. Why do I feel so sad leaving? This is one question I kept asking myself. It's a question where I don't really have an answer, which is why I took more than a week to write this. It's like sometimes I feel like I have an answer but when I put the emotions aside, the answers are not what I want. It kept happening and happening, thus the delay in this post. You know, this is super emotional. Even weeks before I left, I actually cried a few times and every single time, I don't have a reason why. I was just sad. Now that I've written this post, I guess I have found the answer. Here it goes. When I graduated in 2013, or to be exact.. on prom night where all of us enjoyed ourselves. I looked at all my friends and I was so thankful for all the wonderful memories I made. But there was this disturbing feeling inside my heart. It felt like guilt. I looked at them and I felt extremely sorry for the way I treated people and I was hoping I could make it up for all the mistakes I made but then it was kinda too late. How terrible did I feel on the inside? Imagine going home after Prom night and then sitting down at the table and writing apology letters for people. Yeap that's how bad I felt and some of my friends would know about it. It was one crazy emotional night. Then in March 2016, it was one emotional return. But this time round, the emotions are different. It felt like a dream come true. To be able to step back here as a different role, different person & different objective. Life is now filled with purpose. This time round, I'm back to create memories with a new bunch of people and I was determined to make this experience such a good one where I will remember for a long time. One of the things I wanted to do was to try to prevent people from doing what I did in the past. I also wanted to be there to encourage people because I know an encouragement can make a big difference. So yeah, I left on September 1st and why am I emotional? I enjoyed my time here, met hundredths of people, created lots of memories, made a difference in a few people's life but why do I feel this way. As I look back at the past few months, there are so many events, incidents where I created memories but also learnt a few things along the way. Maybe pictures would allow me to show it but nah, there's so many for me to show. All these memories are gonna stay with me forever and I'm not even kidding. Maybe to the kids, I'm just another teacher who comes and go but to me, these kids are my first. Not my first kids haha but my first students. It's my first time doing all these and at this place? How will I ever forget this experience and the people here. Honestly, 2 reasons why I'm sad. 1. I don't know when I'll see these students again. I'm someone who gets emotionally attached easily. The thought of not being able to see them again just breaks me. It's like 20 weeks of relationship here just got cut and not knowing when I'll see them again. I can't find the words to describe this feeling because it honestly only can be felt when you are in my shoes. But what really breaks me is that I know some people are going the wrong path , yet I couldn't help and I'm so afraid things will get worse. I really don't know what I can do because there is only a certain limit I can go to. I'll keep them in prayers and hopefully one day, things will be different. 2. Felt like I could have done more. Its the feeling where I feel like I could have spoke more, encouraged more and maybe things could be a little different. None the less, I'm still glad I did what I could. I felt so touched reading all the written cards and all the Instagram post that people wrote for me. Super touched you know. It's really these messages that made me feel like I made some kind of difference but also if only I could have done more. Just take a look at one insta post!! The insta account is a private one but I think can share right since the identity of the person isn't shown. Anyway, I don't even have to say much. The post itself is so encouraging to me. ''Even the littlest things like simply encouraging me & believing in me when I felt that nobody else did...'' ''Even smiling at me to brighten up my day a lil bc hey someone actually bothered to smile and wave at me, das nice..'' This to me is super touching. Sometimes I go to school feeling like crap. Sometimes, the things in my life makes me upset. Sometimes, I'm so tired that I don't even know what I'm doing. But I remember what my lecturer told me. He told me that whatever happens in our life, we gotta have professionalism. We do not let anything affect our work. To me, professionalism means we put everything aside and give our very best to what we're supposed to do. Smiling isn't part of my job but hey I'm just so encouraged to know that a smile and a wave could actually make someone's day :')I don't know exactly what's ahead of me but I'm very sure I'LL BE BACK. Love you guys.

© COPYRIGHT Ernest Lim